Murphy's Laws

 

If anything can go wrong, it will.

 

If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the first one to go wrong.

 

If anything just cannot go wrong, it will anyway.

 

If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which something can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way, unprepared for, will promptly develop.

 

Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.

 

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

 

Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.

 

Mother nature is a bitch.

 

O'Toole's Commentary on Murphy's Laws

 

Murphy was an optimist.

 

Ginsberg's Theorems

 

You can't win.

 

You can't break even.

 

You can't even quit the game.

 

Forsyth's Second Corollary to Murphy's Laws

 

Just when you see the light at the end of the tunnel, the roof caves in.

 

Weiler's Law

 

Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.

 

The Laws of Computer Programming

 

Any given program, when running, is obsolete.

 

Any given program costs more and takes longer each time it is run.

 

If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.

 

If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.

 

Any given program will expand to fill all the available memory.

 

The value of a program is inversely proportional to the weight of its output.

 

Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of the programmer who must maintain it.

 

Pierce's Law

 

In any computer system, the machine will always misinterpret, misconstrue, misprint, or not evaluate any math or subroutines or fail to print any output on at least the first run through.

 

Corollary to Pierce's Law

 

When a compiler accepts a program without error on the first run, the program will not yield the desired output.

 

Addition to Murphy's Laws

 

In nature, nothing is ever right. Therefore, if everything is going right ... something is wrong.

 

Gilb's Laws of Unreliability

 

Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable.

 

Any system that depends upon human reliability is unreliable.

 

Undetectable errors are infinite in variety, in contrast to detectable errors, which by definition are limited.

 

Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the probable cost of errors, or until someone insists on getting some useful work done.

 

Troutman's Postulate

 

Profanity is the one language understood by all programmers.

 

Not until a program has been in production for six months will the most harmful error be discovered.

 

Job control cards that positively cannot be arranged in improper order will be.

 

Interchangeable tapes won't.

 

If the input editor has been designed to reject all bad input, an ingenious idiot will discover a method to get bad data past it.

 

If a test installation functions perfectly, all subsequent systems will malfunction.

 

Irish Christmas Toast

 

May peace and plenty be the first to lift the latch on your door, and happiness be guided to your home by the candle of Christmas.

 

Irish New Year's Toasts

May we be alive at this time next year.

In the New Year, may your right hand always be stretched out in friendship but never in want.

 

Irish Saint Patrick's Day Toast

 

Saint Patrick was a gentleman,
Who through strategy and stealth,
Drove all the snakes from Ireland,
Here’s a toasting to his health.
But not too many toastings
Lest you lose yourself and then
Forget the good Saint Patrick
And see all those snakes again.

 

Irish Wedding Toasts

May there be a generation of children on the children of your children.

 

Health and long life to you, land without rent to you, a child every year to you, and death in Old Ireland.

 

May the roof above you never fall in,
And those gathered beneath it never fall out.

 

Here's to health, peace and prosperity. May the flower of love never be nipped by the frost of disappointment, nor shadow of grief fall among your family and friends.

 

May you be poor in misfortune, rich in blessings, slow to make enemies and quick to make friends. And may you know nothing but happiness from this day forward.

 

May your home always be too small to hold all your friends.

 

May I see you grey and combing your grandchildren’s hair.

Health for life to you,
A wife of your choice to you,
Land without rent to you,
A child every year to you,
And the light of heaven after this world for you.

 

Here's an Irish toast to your wedding:
May the roof over your heads be as well thatched as those inside are well matched.

 

An Irish Toast for a Bachelor

 

May you have nicer legs than yours under the table before the new spuds are up.

 

Irish Birthday Toasts

 

May you live to be 100 years, with one extra year to repent.

 

We drink to your coffin. May it be built from the wood of a hundred year old oak tree that I shall plant tomorrow.

 

May God grant you many years to live, for sure he must be knowing, the earth has angels all too few and heaven is overflowing...

 

May the doctor never earn a pound out of you.

 

May the good Lord take a liking to you...but not too soon!

 

May you die in bed at 95, shot by a jealous spouse.

 

Irish Toasts to Drinking

 

A bird with one wing can't fly. —said to encourage someone to take a second drink

 

It is better to spend money like there's no tomorrow than to spend tonight like there's no money!

 

That the tap may be open when it rusts!

 

My friends are the best friends
Loyal, willing and able.
Now let’s get to drinking!
All glasses off the table!

 

Here's to a long life and a merry one.
A quick death and an easy one.
A pretty girl and an honest one.
A cold pint-- and another one!

 

Here's to a temperance supper,
With water in glasses tall,
And coffee and tea to end with--
And me not there at all!

 

When money's tight and hard to get,
and your horse is also ran,
When all you have is a heap of debt,
a pint of plain is your only man.

 

Here's to being single...
Drinking doubles...
And seeing triple!

 

I drink to your health when I'm with you,
I drink to your health when I'm alone,
I drink to your health so often,
I'm starting to worry about my own!

 

Here's to women's kisses,
and to whiskey, amber clear;
Not as sweet as a woman's kiss,
but a darn sight more sincere!

 

Irish Toasts to Friends & Family

 

May you have warm words on a cold evening, a full moon on a dark night, and a smooth road all the way to your door.

 

There are good ships,
and there are wood ships,
The ships that sail the sea.
But the best ships, are friendships,
And may they always be.

 

May the hinges of our friendship never grow rusty.

 

Here’s to you and yours,
And to mine and ours,
And if mine and ours ever come
Across you and yours,
I hope you and yours will do
As much for mine and ours,
As mine and ours have done
For you and yours!

 

To live above with the Saints we love,
Ah, that is the purest glory.
To live below with the Saints we know,
Ah, that is another story!

May the lilt of Irish laughter
lighten every load.
May the mist of Irish magic
shorten every road...
And may all your friends remember
all the favours you are owed!

 

Here's to the land of the shamrock so green,
Here's to each lad and his darlin colleen,
Here's to the ones we love dearest and most.
May God bless old Ireland, that's this Irishman's toast!

 

I have known many,
and liked not a few,
but loved only one
and this toast is to you.

 

Irish Everyday Toasts

 

May you be in heaven a full half hour
before the devil knows your dead.

 

May you live as long as you want and never want as long as you live.

 

May your heart be light and happy,
May your smile be big and wide,
And may your pockets always have
a coin or two inside!

 

Always remember to forget
The troubles that passed away.
But never forget to remember
The blessings that come each day.

 

May you always have a clean shirt, a clear conscience, and enough coins in your pocket to buy a pint!

 

May the face of every good news and the back of every bad news be towards us.

 

May neighbors respect you,
Trouble neglect you,
The angels protect you,
And heaven accept you.

 

May you have the hindsight to know where you've been,
The foresight to know where you are going,
And the insight to know when you have gone too far.

 

May the saddest day of your future be no worse than the happiest day of your past.

 

May those that love us, love us.
And those that don’t love us,
May God turn their hearts.
And if he doesn’t turn their hearts,
May he turn their ankles,
So we’ll know them by their limping.

 

May misfortune follow you the rest of your life, and never catch up.

 

May you have food and raiment, a soft pillow for your head. May you be forty years in heaven before the devil knows you’re dead.

 

May your mornings bring joy
and your evenings bring peace...
May your troubles grow less
as your blessings increase!

 

May you get all your wishes but one,
so that you will always have something to strive for!

 

'Lucky' Irish Toasts

 

May the luck of the Irish
Lead to happiest heights
And the highway you travel
Be lined with green lights.

Wherever you go and whatever you do,
May the luck of the Irish be there with you.

 

If you’re enough lucky to be Irish...
You’re lucky enough!

 

May you have all the happiness
and luck that life can hold—
And at the end of all your rainbows
may you find a pot of gold.

 

May your pockets be heavy—
Your heart be light,
And may good luck pursue you
Each morning and night.